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Please note: this is what's
known as SATIRE. Look it up. :P
THE NEW
DORK TIMES
THE TIMES
OF YOUR LIFE ATTACK
OF
THE FASHION ZOMBIES -How to
prevent your child from becoming a suicidal creature of the night in 5
easy steps-
It can
happen to the best of us - one day your teenager is a nice, normal
human being who sees no problem with wearing bright colours and Nike
trainers, then the next minute they’ve begun to resemble a
black-clad bloodsucking monster. It’s inevitable that soon
they’ll be lying in a drug den slitting their wrists, or
maybe even (horror of horrors) writing emotional poetry. So how is a
parent to prevent this kind of trouble, I hear you cry? This easy
step-by-step guide will show you how to prevent this kind of sickening
habit from taking hold. Recognition
- How do you spot if your child is on the verge of becoming a suicidal
‘gothic’? There are many telltale signs to look out
for, such as a wardrobe that becomes increasingly more full of black
spiky things or a bizarre haircut (any hairstyle over four inches long
on a boy is a sure sign), but one of the main things to listen out for
is the music. That’s right folks; unfortunately anything
other than a bit of classical Beethoven is sure to lead to trouble. I
recommend banning any music in your home that a) features electric
guitars, b) features drums of any sort or b) is performed by anyone
wearing a mask, unless it’s an Andrew Lloyd Webber. Environment
- Everyone knows that anyone who goes around wearing nothing but black
must be suffering greatly from depression. Going around with a cheery
smile on your face is likely to rectify this, but if you find this
unsuccessful I suggest investing in a few motivational posters. Any
picture of a cute animal with an encouraging slogan underneath is
guaranteed to brighten up anyone’s day, although a few coats
of Sunshine Yellow on every wall in your house might help. If all else
fails, there’s nothing that can’t be solved by a
whole team of a psychiatrists, doctors and counsellors… in
the mean time, you might want to lock up your medicine cabinet. Peers - It
is likely that your child will have been encouraged into this crazy fad
by their friendship group. If you’re worried, try hiring a
Private Investigator to follow your child and check that
they’re not ‘hanging out’ anywhere
unsavoury. If your child is found with a mile of a bar, music club,
graveyard or desecrated church it is definitely cause for panic. Make
sure you know the phone numbers of all their friends’ parents
so that you can check up every hour, and it is also handy to have the
police run a background check. Any friend with a nickname like
‘Spike’, ‘Jimbo’ or
‘Crazy Dave’ is going to be a bad influence and
should be removed. You can hire people to do that, too. Rules -
Introducing new rules in your home is a sure-fire way to get your child
to conform. This ‘night obsession’ is easily fixed
with a curfew - simple ban them from going out after five. A few bars
on the windows, and maybe a Rottweiler or two, will ensure this is
obeyed. The internet is of course a danger zone, filled with
paedophiles, wrist slitters and pirate videos, so it should be the
first to go, followed by the TV, radio, microwave, any other electrical
appliance and the bathtub (it’s a suicide cocktail waiting to
happen). All posters, except for the aforementioned motivational kind,
should be removed and burnt, especially any of Kurt Cobain or in fact
anyone who doesn’t look savoury enough to meet your
Grandmother. You can also ban any dark clothing, and if your child
refuses this is easily fixed by dying their entire wardrobe hot pink.
And buying more Nike trainers. Active
Restraint - If your son/daughter is too far gone in the ways of
‘gothicism’ or the ‘death cult’
as I like to call it, you may be forced to resort to violence. Now this
may sound harsh, but it can be the only way. If they will persist in
attempting to go to that Marilyn Manson concert, some chloroform and a
length of rope is sure to prevent them. If you don’t have any
chloroform handy, try a long plank of wood or a hammer. Remember this
is in your child’s best interests - any further listening of
this ‘rock’ music is sure to do them harm. If the
worst comes to the worst, a straight jacket and a padded cell will sort
them out for good. So there
you have it - follow this guide and your children are certain to turn
out as normal, respected adults with office jobs. Isn’t that
great? Next week:
The Joy of Sect - Prevent teenage pregnancy by enrolling your daughter
in a nunnery! THE NEW
DORK TIMES THE TIMES
OF YOUR LIFE BUSH
DECLARES WAR ON SELF "I HAD IT
COMING" SAYS PRESIDENT Yes, this
is what it has finally come to. After
fighting against Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Bosnia, Uzbekistan, Syria,
Germany, Algeria, Tunisia, Czechslovakia,
Poland, Iceland, Antarctica, Canada, The Trekkie Society and America's
Fishmongers United; George W. has now turned on himself
in the war against terrorism. "I am
dangerous, and I need to be stopped. If we send in the weapons
inspectors, I am 100% sure that they
will find me in possesion of illegal weapons of mass destruction in the
near future." When asked
why he had decided that he was indeed a terrorist, Bush replied: "Well,
it's obvious. I have killed loads of people, therefore I am a
terrorist. I must be destroyed -
someone has to foil this regime, and that someone is America. I
consider my brains, or lack of them, to be an extremely dangerous
weapon of mass dest... de... damaging stuff." Unfortunately
for Bush, no-one has shown any disagreement so far. President
Bush is now plotting to blow up the Whitehouse, with himself and
everyone else inside. "This is a
top secret plan, and I will not know about it until it's too late. I
will be blown to pieces in
an explosion the size of Texas. Ha! I don't stand a chance against
myself! I am so great." Members of
the Whitehouse have been retiring at an astonishing rate, meaning that
now Bush is the only member
of the senate, not to mention that all his staff have reported sick for
the twentieth of January, the day the attack is scheduled.
Bush's wife and kids have run away to New Zealand. Bush comments: "Americanaliens,
listen to me. I can't do this on my own. Luckily, my two invisiblised
friends, Nigel P and Angelica
have agreed to assist me in annihilating myself. But I will succeed!" No news is
available as yet on whether or not George Bush really is going to blow
himself up or not, because
nobody really cares. However, Tony Blair is joining in on the attack
and has declared himself a terrorist as well. Unfortunately
for Blair, no-one cares about him either. Oh well. In other
news soon to follow: Dale Winton Could Be Messiah, Man Revealed To Be
Coathanger With Extra Penguins
and Elvis Found To Be Alive and Female. Please
comment on this news, we welcome all comments from giant sock-eating
monkeys.
©
HapFairy Productions 2006, SCE |
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